Convicted of Fraud...
I've spent most of this week feeling like a fraud.
No, I'm not about to confess that I've done some terrible, horrible thing (I was NOT on the grassy knoll...heck, I wasn't even born yet).
This was Spiritual Emphasis week for the High School kids out at Warren County Christian School. I helped out with four other youth leaders (from www.time4revolution.com). Mostly I was the AV guy (well, mostly the V guy, though we did use one of my amps and a couple of speakers - but someone else ran sound - Brin Robeson - and he does a great job) but I got to speak on Wednesday, too.
Now, here's the thing. When we were planning these...services...the scripture we based it on was Hebrews 10:37-39
"For yet, 'in a very little while, the one who is coming will come and will not delay; but my righteous one will live by faith. My soul takes no pleasure in anyone who shrinks back.' But we are not among those who shrink back and so are lost, but among those who have faith adn so are saved."
And we talked about how they had the passion of first-love with Jesus - how they had come to saving faith and were absolutely on fire for Jesus. And as we talked the other guys were saying how we need to rekindle that fire we had when we first came to Jesus and not shrink back from that...
So, here's the fraud part. I've never in my life not known Jesus as very real, as my savior - even as my friend. I've never had that passion of first conversion. Some of my earliest memories are Sunday School memories - in the preschool and kindergarten classes at Kane First UMC (well, my EARLIEST memories are train cars behind our house and RCA vacuum tube boxes that lined one wall of my room when I was 2 or 3 years old...don't ask me why). I had a commitment experience when I was about 13 - and a couple more times in my teens as I realized that I wasn't who God wanted me to be.
Yeah, me and Jesus, we go way back.
But I see those who come to that sudden, Holy Spirit inspired awareness of who Jesus is and what Jesus did for them and they have this fire in them to take on the world... and I don't. It's maybe an ember... a little smoldering coal for zeal... Hardly enough for taking on the world... some days barely enough for taking on my life...
But I DO love Jesus.
And a friend of mine this morning really helped me. I mentioned this struggle that I'm having. He said that, like in marriage, the passion may decrease, but the intimacy increases...
Yeah... I get that...
And I have a tendency to take Jesus for granted, just like I do Lori (and the girls). I know Jesus knows I love him...maybe I'll show him tomorrow (I'm good with the words...not as good with the actions)...
I guess this week's Scripture passage is really speaking to me. Mary of Bethany pours out everything in worship of Jesus...can I do that? Maybe I don't every day - but can I - sometimes? Once even? That's my challenge for this coming week - to find at least one opportunity to just pour out my affection to Jesus...
So, maybe I'm not so much a fraud as...comfortable... I can be quiet in the same room with Lori or the girls for hours and never for a moment be uncomfortable...put me in a room with someone else for five minutes and I'll chatter away until I say something really stupid (I have a history, you know...).
And I can be quiet in Jesus' presence and just, well, be there...and be comfortable...and maybe that's not as bad a thing as I was afraid it was...
So - I'm convicted now - my "fraud" might not be fraud afterall...
Passion and Intimacy...maybe I just want both...
No, I'm not about to confess that I've done some terrible, horrible thing (I was NOT on the grassy knoll...heck, I wasn't even born yet).
This was Spiritual Emphasis week for the High School kids out at Warren County Christian School. I helped out with four other youth leaders (from www.time4revolution.com). Mostly I was the AV guy (well, mostly the V guy, though we did use one of my amps and a couple of speakers - but someone else ran sound - Brin Robeson - and he does a great job) but I got to speak on Wednesday, too.
Now, here's the thing. When we were planning these...services...the scripture we based it on was Hebrews 10:37-39
"For yet, 'in a very little while, the one who is coming will come and will not delay; but my righteous one will live by faith. My soul takes no pleasure in anyone who shrinks back.' But we are not among those who shrink back and so are lost, but among those who have faith adn so are saved."
And we talked about how they had the passion of first-love with Jesus - how they had come to saving faith and were absolutely on fire for Jesus. And as we talked the other guys were saying how we need to rekindle that fire we had when we first came to Jesus and not shrink back from that...
So, here's the fraud part. I've never in my life not known Jesus as very real, as my savior - even as my friend. I've never had that passion of first conversion. Some of my earliest memories are Sunday School memories - in the preschool and kindergarten classes at Kane First UMC (well, my EARLIEST memories are train cars behind our house and RCA vacuum tube boxes that lined one wall of my room when I was 2 or 3 years old...don't ask me why). I had a commitment experience when I was about 13 - and a couple more times in my teens as I realized that I wasn't who God wanted me to be.
Yeah, me and Jesus, we go way back.
But I see those who come to that sudden, Holy Spirit inspired awareness of who Jesus is and what Jesus did for them and they have this fire in them to take on the world... and I don't. It's maybe an ember... a little smoldering coal for zeal... Hardly enough for taking on the world... some days barely enough for taking on my life...
But I DO love Jesus.
And a friend of mine this morning really helped me. I mentioned this struggle that I'm having. He said that, like in marriage, the passion may decrease, but the intimacy increases...
Yeah... I get that...
And I have a tendency to take Jesus for granted, just like I do Lori (and the girls). I know Jesus knows I love him...maybe I'll show him tomorrow (I'm good with the words...not as good with the actions)...
I guess this week's Scripture passage is really speaking to me. Mary of Bethany pours out everything in worship of Jesus...can I do that? Maybe I don't every day - but can I - sometimes? Once even? That's my challenge for this coming week - to find at least one opportunity to just pour out my affection to Jesus...
So, maybe I'm not so much a fraud as...comfortable... I can be quiet in the same room with Lori or the girls for hours and never for a moment be uncomfortable...put me in a room with someone else for five minutes and I'll chatter away until I say something really stupid (I have a history, you know...).
And I can be quiet in Jesus' presence and just, well, be there...and be comfortable...and maybe that's not as bad a thing as I was afraid it was...
So - I'm convicted now - my "fraud" might not be fraud afterall...
Passion and Intimacy...maybe I just want both...
Comments