Answering a Really Hard Question
Recently I received (via email) one of those really hard questions, and since I put a good bit of effort and prayer into the answer, I thought it would be appropriate to share it here...
Some one close to me, who is not saved, has been affected by a suicide. Over the weekend the discussion came around to faith and I was totally unprepared for a couple questions I was asked. Would...you please share your thoughts and any scripture I might read to both console & guide my friend. I have searched through the small amount of reference material I have and find nothing that really speaks to suicide.
Let me start with another difficult question: what about those who never profess Jesus as Lord and Savior? My father died never having recited the sinner's prayer or, as far as I know, never having made a public confession of faith (except when my sister and I were baptized...). Where do I find comfort in his death?
Revelation 3:14-22 is an open letter to the church at Laodicea (and to every church). Prophetically, it may be speaking to the church worldwide in the modern era (it's the last of the open letters in the book). But, you don't need an end-times lesson here. What is most relevant here is that the letter is written to people who are shaky in their faith (neither hot nor cold) and it is a call for such people to draw nearer to God. And here's the verse of comfort for me:
"Look I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me." (Revelation 3:20)
Grammatically, in the original Greek (and in the English), knocking is an ongoing action. That is, Jesus isn't saying, "I am standing at the door and I knocked..." but continually knocking. The metaphor that Jesus is using (via John of the Revelation) is that God's desire to commune with us, God's desire to have relationship with us is SO strong and SO important to Him (1 Timothy 2:1-7 especially verses 3-4 "This is right and is acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth") that He never gives up on us. Even to the very point of death - the microsecond before we die.
If God is truly beyond time and space, (1 Peter 3:8 to God, "a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day..." in other words, God is not constrained by our perception of time) what if God can use that moment just before death to really speak to someone? Is God merciful - is He grace-giving? Yes, to both. God is just and holy and perfect, too. Isaiah says that God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts (in fact, look at Isaiah 55:6-9, it's a call for the wicked to forsake their ways, "let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them, and [return] to our God, for he will abundantly pardon...") so it's only in self-righteousness that we judge anyone not worthy of God's grace (suicide or not) - in fact, Romans 2:1 says, "Therefore, you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others; for in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things [sin]..."
Let me make two other observations.
First, salvation is about relationship with Jesus. God makes no distinction between those who come into relationship 90 years before their death or those who come into relationship 90 seconds before their death (or less) - in fact, Jesus told a parable about that (Matthew 20:1-16) - the reward (or wage) is the same - salvation, eternal life. And no ritual is required (baptism, standing in front of a church, etc.): only a crying out to the Savior (the penitent thief on the cross in Luke 23:39-43 who was never baptized, never recited the sinner's prayer, simply recognized at the point of his death that he needed a Savior - even though he was physically dying for his sins - Jesus promised him that he would not have to die eternally for those sins).
Second, and this may not be applicable right now, but tuck it away in your heart for later. Romans 8:28-30 also comforts me in the loss of my father. "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified."
Here's why I take comfort in those verses (especially verse 28, "...all things work together for good for those who love God..."). You say that your friend is not saved, but clearly there's some searching for God in this person. If he or she will open themselves up to God's presence and comfort, they'll someday see something good that God has done in the wake of this suicide. I know dozens of people dealing with suicide (my best friend in high school's father, two relatives, a friend in junior high and two friends in high school, one of my students when I was teaching, the son of a parishioner, a parishioner, and friends and relatives of at least a dozen people that I know well, as well many others who have attempted suicide - Kane, the town I grew up in, I'm told has the highest per capita rate of suicide in the state, maybe the nation).
EVEN THOUGH I've been through this so many times, I don't have any easy answers. But I do know this. There are really only two responses: bitterness or healing. Your friend can choose to be bitter about the suicide, blame themselves, blame God, blame friends, family, those who should have "seen it coming" and even blame the person who ended their life, but that kind of response only turns inward and is self-destructive. Healing is, eventually, releasing it to God and accepting God's comfort and looking ahead with hope. It's constructive. It's hope-filled.
I hope something in all of this helps. I know how helpless it feels to be in your shoes. The two most important things you can do for your friend right now is pray for and be present for your friend. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good...
Some one close to me, who is not saved, has been affected by a suicide. Over the weekend the discussion came around to faith and I was totally unprepared for a couple questions I was asked. Would...you please share your thoughts and any scripture I might read to both console & guide my friend. I have searched through the small amount of reference material I have and find nothing that really speaks to suicide.
Let me start with another difficult question: what about those who never profess Jesus as Lord and Savior? My father died never having recited the sinner's prayer or, as far as I know, never having made a public confession of faith (except when my sister and I were baptized...). Where do I find comfort in his death?
Revelation 3:14-22 is an open letter to the church at Laodicea (and to every church). Prophetically, it may be speaking to the church worldwide in the modern era (it's the last of the open letters in the book). But, you don't need an end-times lesson here. What is most relevant here is that the letter is written to people who are shaky in their faith (neither hot nor cold) and it is a call for such people to draw nearer to God. And here's the verse of comfort for me:
"Look I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me." (Revelation 3:20)
Grammatically, in the original Greek (and in the English), knocking is an ongoing action. That is, Jesus isn't saying, "I am standing at the door and I knocked..." but continually knocking. The metaphor that Jesus is using (via John of the Revelation) is that God's desire to commune with us, God's desire to have relationship with us is SO strong and SO important to Him (1 Timothy 2:1-7 especially verses 3-4 "This is right and is acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth") that He never gives up on us. Even to the very point of death - the microsecond before we die.
If God is truly beyond time and space, (1 Peter 3:8 to God, "a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day..." in other words, God is not constrained by our perception of time) what if God can use that moment just before death to really speak to someone? Is God merciful - is He grace-giving? Yes, to both. God is just and holy and perfect, too. Isaiah says that God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts (in fact, look at Isaiah 55:6-9, it's a call for the wicked to forsake their ways, "let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them, and [return] to our God, for he will abundantly pardon...") so it's only in self-righteousness that we judge anyone not worthy of God's grace (suicide or not) - in fact, Romans 2:1 says, "Therefore, you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others; for in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things [sin]..."
Let me make two other observations.
First, salvation is about relationship with Jesus. God makes no distinction between those who come into relationship 90 years before their death or those who come into relationship 90 seconds before their death (or less) - in fact, Jesus told a parable about that (Matthew 20:1-16) - the reward (or wage) is the same - salvation, eternal life. And no ritual is required (baptism, standing in front of a church, etc.): only a crying out to the Savior (the penitent thief on the cross in Luke 23:39-43 who was never baptized, never recited the sinner's prayer, simply recognized at the point of his death that he needed a Savior - even though he was physically dying for his sins - Jesus promised him that he would not have to die eternally for those sins).
Second, and this may not be applicable right now, but tuck it away in your heart for later. Romans 8:28-30 also comforts me in the loss of my father. "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified."
Here's why I take comfort in those verses (especially verse 28, "...all things work together for good for those who love God..."). You say that your friend is not saved, but clearly there's some searching for God in this person. If he or she will open themselves up to God's presence and comfort, they'll someday see something good that God has done in the wake of this suicide. I know dozens of people dealing with suicide (my best friend in high school's father, two relatives, a friend in junior high and two friends in high school, one of my students when I was teaching, the son of a parishioner, a parishioner, and friends and relatives of at least a dozen people that I know well, as well many others who have attempted suicide - Kane, the town I grew up in, I'm told has the highest per capita rate of suicide in the state, maybe the nation).
EVEN THOUGH I've been through this so many times, I don't have any easy answers. But I do know this. There are really only two responses: bitterness or healing. Your friend can choose to be bitter about the suicide, blame themselves, blame God, blame friends, family, those who should have "seen it coming" and even blame the person who ended their life, but that kind of response only turns inward and is self-destructive. Healing is, eventually, releasing it to God and accepting God's comfort and looking ahead with hope. It's constructive. It's hope-filled.
Psalm 30:5
"For his anger is but for a moment;
his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may linger for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
"For his anger is but for a moment;
his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may linger for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
Joy will eventually come. It may be a long night (St. John of the Cross called it "The Dark Night of the Soul") - but joy comes. This last part might be too much for your friend right now (the whole "second point") but I hope and pray that he or she will take this wondering about God and the good that will come from this whole dark, horrible mess is that he or she will find or renew faith in a God who is bigger than anything we can throw at Him (Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.").
I hope something in all of this helps. I know how helpless it feels to be in your shoes. The two most important things you can do for your friend right now is pray for and be present for your friend. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good...
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