I Saw God Again...
Rachel had allergy testing on Tuesday. It was hell for me - and worse for her.
"Lay down on your tummy - I'm going to write on your back."
"Daddy, are they going to use the needles?"
"Yes, honey, they are."
"I don't want the needles."
"I know, but they have to."
As the first round of tests - twenty four pokes in her tiny back - proceed, she is very strong at first, but after about a dozen it just hurts too much and she breaks down. "Make them stop, Daddy."
But I can't. I want to, but I have to watch my little girl hurt and cry and I can't do a thing about it. In fact, I brought her here for this.
And thank God it went quickly, though it seemed forever. And she can't scratch her back ("But it itches soooo badly") and she has to just sit there for fifteen minutes.
And those 24 didn't show any allergies.
"Hold very still or these next ones will hurt."
Next ones?
And ten more - stronger, they must have really hurt, too because after the first one Rachel is a little puddle of helplessness in my arms - on her left arm - and there's blood this time - and it's not over nearly as quickly even though there were less than half as many...
And fifteen more minutes and I just hold her because she's hurting and there's nothing I can do but hold her tight and wish I had never brought her here...
And we get the report and we're sent away without any real answers and I'm thinking that I put her through all this for nothing...
And in the middle of all that, Rachel is offered stickers (yeah, that's supposed to make up for the pain somehow) and she can have any four that she wants (two for each round - I think the second round was at least a four sticker round, but I don't make the rules) and who does she think of? Her little sister. "Elie will like these - I'll get two for her and two for me."
And then we're leaving the office and we get in the car and I hand Rachel a card from Grandma that I know has ten bucks in it for our trip to Chuck E. Cheese (yeah, I guess I was hoping somehow THAT would make up for the pain - just bigger stickers, I guess...).
And Rachel opens the card and she reads it. She says, "Daddy, Grandma gave me ten dollars."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, ten one dollar bills."
"Wow. What do you want to do with them? You know we're going to Chuck E. Cheese."
She thinks for a minute. "You know I could use five of these for the claw machine and I could give the stuffed animals I win to, like, Goodwill or something. For kids who don't have any. And I can give the other five to the church."
"That's really nice, Rachel. But you know, you can use that at Chuck E. Cheese, too."
"But how, Daddy? What are dollars to tokens?"
"One dollar is four tokens."
"Oooo - REALLY? Hmmm."
There's silence for a minute or so.
"Okay, Daddy. So, how many tokens is five dollars?"
"It's twenty tokens."
"Wow. Okay - then I'll use five dollars for tokens and I'll give five dollars to the church."
"Are you sure? You can use the money however you want to."
"Yes, Daddy. I'm sure. Twenty tokens is a lot of tokens."
And so I thought about all that I have and how little I think of other people and how little I give - and even in that, I am so proud of my little girl.
When it could - and I would have argued it SHOULD - have been all about her, she was all about other people - and I saw God again...
"Lay down on your tummy - I'm going to write on your back."
"Daddy, are they going to use the needles?"
"Yes, honey, they are."
"I don't want the needles."
"I know, but they have to."
As the first round of tests - twenty four pokes in her tiny back - proceed, she is very strong at first, but after about a dozen it just hurts too much and she breaks down. "Make them stop, Daddy."
But I can't. I want to, but I have to watch my little girl hurt and cry and I can't do a thing about it. In fact, I brought her here for this.
And thank God it went quickly, though it seemed forever. And she can't scratch her back ("But it itches soooo badly") and she has to just sit there for fifteen minutes.
And those 24 didn't show any allergies.
"Hold very still or these next ones will hurt."
Next ones?
And ten more - stronger, they must have really hurt, too because after the first one Rachel is a little puddle of helplessness in my arms - on her left arm - and there's blood this time - and it's not over nearly as quickly even though there were less than half as many...
And fifteen more minutes and I just hold her because she's hurting and there's nothing I can do but hold her tight and wish I had never brought her here...
And we get the report and we're sent away without any real answers and I'm thinking that I put her through all this for nothing...
And in the middle of all that, Rachel is offered stickers (yeah, that's supposed to make up for the pain somehow) and she can have any four that she wants (two for each round - I think the second round was at least a four sticker round, but I don't make the rules) and who does she think of? Her little sister. "Elie will like these - I'll get two for her and two for me."
And then we're leaving the office and we get in the car and I hand Rachel a card from Grandma that I know has ten bucks in it for our trip to Chuck E. Cheese (yeah, I guess I was hoping somehow THAT would make up for the pain - just bigger stickers, I guess...).
And Rachel opens the card and she reads it. She says, "Daddy, Grandma gave me ten dollars."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, ten one dollar bills."
"Wow. What do you want to do with them? You know we're going to Chuck E. Cheese."
She thinks for a minute. "You know I could use five of these for the claw machine and I could give the stuffed animals I win to, like, Goodwill or something. For kids who don't have any. And I can give the other five to the church."
"That's really nice, Rachel. But you know, you can use that at Chuck E. Cheese, too."
"But how, Daddy? What are dollars to tokens?"
"One dollar is four tokens."
"Oooo - REALLY? Hmmm."
There's silence for a minute or so.
"Okay, Daddy. So, how many tokens is five dollars?"
"It's twenty tokens."
"Wow. Okay - then I'll use five dollars for tokens and I'll give five dollars to the church."
"Are you sure? You can use the money however you want to."
"Yes, Daddy. I'm sure. Twenty tokens is a lot of tokens."
And so I thought about all that I have and how little I think of other people and how little I give - and even in that, I am so proud of my little girl.
When it could - and I would have argued it SHOULD - have been all about her, she was all about other people - and I saw God again...
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